I feel very down these few days and the main reason is because if my results. I did really bad in some subjects especially my sciences, and topped some humanities subjects. If I’d knew my strength positively, I would’ve taken Literature instead of Biology. I know myself, that I won’t grow up becoming a doctor or dentist or surgeon. I like to write and plan and brainstorm and talk and chat and laugh at some nice coffee shop or ice cream parlor. I don’t live to sit through classes every fucking day of my life and memorise things I don’t have passion for. But I’m forced to, given the education system in Singapore.

I believe that even through this failure, there is still this narrow space ajar that contains hope for myself, that I can do better. Because if others can do it, why can’t I? But right now, I just feel so goddamn bloody stupid, brainless, useless, you name it. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore, what’s there to live for? I’ve never experienced true hard feelings, like real love or the discovery of a great friendship. I just want to runaway for now, do whatever I want and need to. And hopefully, this time round, there would be more of discussing rather than scolding from Mum.

I go out with my friends, and have fun all day but its different when I get home and lock myself up in my room. Just leaving the nightlight and laptop on, and place my fingers on this green keypads, ready to type away. Not caring about my phone, just caring about folk and acoustic songs and keeping my mind intense.

I really need to runaway from this shit that I’m facing. I need to find passion and motivation and just hopefully wake up one day, knowing what I’m living for. I don’t want to get involved in others’ matters anymore because if there’s a will, there’s a way. Every problem has its solution, its just a matter of time before you find it out by yourself.

Wherever I am, it just seems like noone can ever understand me, not even at home. I think that miracle will never arrive.